So much has happened in a week's time. We've had the recent untimely taking of life of our brother George Floyd in Minneapolis at the hands of the local police department.  

We've had the recent action of a Caucasian woman in Central Park calling the police on a Black man and trying to instigate law enforcement to handle him as someone who was aggressive and threatening.

And, in the face of this, in the wake of this, there is so much emotion.  There's so much energy.  There's so much outrage.  There’s so much disgust and justifiably so. 

We are frustrated, angry; we resent what's happening to us and what has happened to us and we resent what's going to happen to us tomorrow.

I respect what we feel.  I appreciate those who have gone out and participated in marches and protests and other kinds of action to show the disdain and the frustration with what's happening.

And because I have this platform and because I've been fortunate and blessed to have you as an audience- to have a voice that folks want to listen to - I know that I have to be responsible with my message.

I had to be responsible with what I posted on social media.  I have to be responsible with what I would put on my website. I had to be responsible with the message that is going to come to you via the Nurah Speaks Podcast. So to that end, I have not been very quick or eager to jump on the microphone to share my thoughts to express what is going on for me personally.

I am a black woman in North America; I have a husband and sons. And so certainly you can infer that I, too, am affected deeply by this emotionally.  I have frustration and concern for black people, men, boys, women, children.

But I know that I have to be measured and responsible with what I say, with what I do, with what I share on social media and what's being delivered to you as an audience, because at this time, our people are looking for guidance.

We need guidance, we need leadership. And as someone who has this platform, I know that it is my responsibility to be dignified, to be civilized and to be truthful.

The truth can sting some; and the truth will inform all. 

And that is the purpose of this- to deliver the truth, to share information that is not going to just inspire us to feel good-but that's going to inspire us to take action. 

I know that there is risk in telling the truth.  We can miss out on opportunities telling the truth.  And some think truth should be delivered in a way that is manageable for all.  

But…that is not my role to deliver the truth so it's manageable, so that all are comfortable with it. I simply want to tell the truth and do my best to choose the words that are most precise to express what is in my mind. 

I strive to be respectful to all at all times. Yet I am going to always tell the truth with whatever risks that come to me.

In many ways, I don't need to record another podcast episode to talk about what's happened in Minneapolis. You can go to the Nurah Speaks archives.  The last episode, ‘Action Is The Defining Measure Of Revolution’ talks about what's happened to our brother and to too many other brothers and too many sisters and too many families and communities across this nation.

You can dig into previous episodes of Nurah Speaks because the foundation of the message doesn't change. Depending on the circumstance and depending on the time, the delivery of it may be adjusted based on those specific circumstances. However, you will always find a foundation of personal accountability in the message of Nurah Speaks. 

And so as I am reflecting as you too are reflecting on the events have recently taken place.  And I know that there's so much material to wade through. I know so many people are posting videos, the news is constantly streaming. There are others that you listen to and that you seek out for guidance. So I want to let you know that I appreciate you taking time to hear what it is that I have to say on this and other issues because it is a privilege to have you here. It is a privilege for me to have your time and I do not take that very lightly and I'm grateful for that.

As I am reflecting on the events that have transpired I see many of our people pushing those white colleagues, white associates or white friends to speak out regarding what's happening.  

We call them allies. And we tell them to speak out to their white brethren, those who also share the thinking of someone who would take a life like that officer did of the life of George Floyd - and those who participated. 

Our people are saying we want them to step up and speak out as those who have alliances with us and those who are our friends. 

And I would suggest that is misguided energy. 

It would be great if they did. 

But we don't need to use our time to influence others to act. We have to influence ourselves to act and not just to act blindly because we have energy, because we have this emotion, but to act strategically.  

We don't need allies.  

What we need today, what we needed yesterday and what we're going to need tomorrow is brotherhood.

The justice that we want, the opportunities that we want, the privileges of citizenship we want to enjoy and the respect of our humanity that we want- that's going to come from us and from what we do!

We elevate others over ourselves when we are pushing them, pushing so called allies to speak out. What they do is their business; though it would be nice for them to do. 

But Brother and Sister, it would be nice for us to take responsible and measured  action so that we can create the change that we want.  And we have to give the energy and effort that is going to equal the change that we say that we want and that we need. 

We can't keep waiting for others to stand up and to speak the loudest on issues that affect us the most. That is misguided energy.  We keep elevating others and their responsibility - or what responsibility we think that they have-over the responsibility that we have for ourselves. 

So first, I would say stop looking for allies. Look for brotherhood. 

When you have brotherhood, what the allies do or don't do doesn't have the greatest impact. 

The greatest impact will be the impact that we make together as a community. Whether we disagree or agree on every single issue on every single agenda, we have to have brotherhood first, and that is key. 

The second point that I want to make is to be cautious about acting when you're heavily ladened with emotions.

Emotions can be like smoke. When there's a fire, people don't die as much because of the fire as from the inhalation of smoke. Once you have inhaled smoke, it occupies space in our lungs. It occupies space wherein air cannot get in. So our emotions can be a barrier to logic just like smoke can be a barrier to breathing.

When we're acting out of emotions and we are not operating logically, we can harm ourselves and we can harm others. 

Yes, we have to act. But we cannot let our emotions lead our actions. Our emotions can be fuel for our actions, but they cannot lead our actions. 

Therefore have to lead with strategy; we have to lead with forethought because lives are at stake. And while folks are out there in the street and they're expressing their disdain for what's happening to us, know that there are others who are also in that crowd who are not there, because they share in your pain and because they share in your agony and your mission. 

There are folks who are in these crowds because they intend to agitate, because they intend to instigate and these crowds can be dangerous. 

So we have to think!  What is going to be our vehicle to get justice?  What is going to be our vehicle to get equality? What is going to be our vehicle to experience freedom in this country? 

Look!  If a march could free us, if a march was able to give us equality, nobody has marched more than the so called American Negro here in North America. No one has marched more than us, although others modeled our movements and have attained equality and opportunity for themselves greater than we.

Still in 2020, we are marching for freedom, justice and equality and that still evades us because that is not the right vehicle to employ to achieve freedom, justice and equality. 

Again!  The vehicle is our brotherhood!  It is not relying on someone else to create an opportunity for us to be free.  

And I know that that might seem like a strange or a foreign concept to many because we don't have the practice of relying on other Black people to get our needs met. But if we relied on one another, with the same heavy weight that we rely on those in positions of power in this government, we could have what we want overnight.  

We could transform our communities and cause others to deal with us much differently. But we keep resorting to the same tactics to get different results. That's not wise and that's not strategic. 

So we have to put our emotions to the side; we have to sit down and think logically about what we need.  And we have to work collectively to achieve those ends. 

I wonder how much more are we going to take until we say,  “Wait!  What we've been doing isn't working, let's do something different!”  There are other options that most of us have not employed to achieve the results that we want. 

You know me - I am a Muslim following the teachings of Elijah Muhammad and I represent a community that is operating in unity, striving to do everything that we can so that we can create freedom, justice, equality and opportunities for ourselves. 

But now hold on…this isn't a religious message! And I'm not suggesting that everybody who reads this should be Muslim, join the Nation of Islam or think exactly like I do. But I will say that operating together with those who want the same for you that you want for yourself in unity has been effective. 

And I want to be effective. I don't want to just be loud because the folks who are the loudest in the crowd are often the least effective in the field where the work is most necessary to improve the conditions of our people. 

So I'm not saying that we all have to think like Nurah thinks or that we all have to do everything that Nurah does. However, what I will say is I have been fortunate enough to put my trust in other Black people who have put their trust in me and we have beautiful, tangible results. 

So it may sound hard, it may sound impossible because we've been trained and conditioned to operate against each other instead of with each other. 

However, if we switch up that mindset, then the revolution that we want is right  within our reach. So I would suggest you try it.  

We have to hold ourselves accountable. We have to hold ourselves accountable more-so than we're trying to hold the officer who took the life of our brother accountable, the mayor of that city or your city…we have to hold ourselves accountable to reach our final destination and achieve the goals we set for ourselves.

We should also learn from history. If we're not going to learn from history, and you have heard this before, we are doomed to repeat it. 

So while we're watching the burning of these cities, doesn't it look familiar? I lived through the LA riots. And then those older than me who saw the LA riots remember the riots of the 60s when King was assassinated. 

So we are watching history repeat itself because we are not doing anything differently. 

We have to be strategic; we have to look inside. We have to work collectively. 

My last point that I will leave here - we have to stop qualifying the reasons why we should be treated with dignity. 

We say about the brother that was harassed in the park, “He was Harvard educated. He was a birdwatcher, so he must really be civilized!  He's the perfect person that should not be treated like a thug.” Well, I would say if there was a thug walking through the park who said, “Ma'am, could you leash your dog?” Amy Cooper should still not have called the police.

We have to stop thinking that because somebody has a certain pedigree, a certain job or title, that they should not be treated like this. 

If I was a thug, I shouldn't be treated like this, if I have not done wrong.

We must stop qualifying ourselves because this is us still looking for validation. We shouldn't have to issue a qualifying declaration to have our human rights honored and respected. 

The fact that I'm a person should cause others to respect me. The validation that we seek shows own collective lack of self worth.

It doesn't matter where we are from; it doesn't matter what schools we went to; the the common denominator is that we are Black. 

I urge us to be strategic. Let's be thoughtful. Let's be organized. Let's operate in brotherhood as that is the only vehicle that is going to bring us the change we need. 

If you have a  reader question, email me at info@NurahSpeaks.com. You can also follow the Nurah Speaks podcast on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter @NurahSpeaksPodcast. 

If this message has value to you, please subscribe, rate and review and share it with family and friends.

And remember, don't just join the movement. Be the movement. Stay in peace!

"I found it dehumanizing that there’s some segment of white America that still see us as N’s no matter how much money we make, no matter where we live.  So to me, it was a wake up call that the good ole boy network still exists.”

This was the comment from Jerrick Jackson, a Black patron at J. Alexander’s in Bloomfield, Michigan who claims he was discriminated against in the restaurant.  He also says that he was called the n-word and had food thrown at him when he came to the aid of another black patron who was also confronting apparent discrimination at the same time for a separate incident.

The other patron Lia Gant, claims she was told to give up her seat for two white men.

She said, “Today I should be able to walk into a restaurant and order whatever I want.  I should not be forced to get out of my seat or even requested to get out of my seat for someone else that was not there before me.”

https://www.nydailynews.com/news/national/ny-black-woman-white-man-denied-service-michigan-seat-20190627-nsylcpo5tnf47gpq4q7vhhelt4-story.html

The incidents involving Mr. Jackson and Ms. Gant are not at all uncommon.  Therefore it is troubling that both patrons are stunned with the incidents at J. Alexander’s that night.  We read in articles and see in videos that Black men, women and children continue to be confronted as nuisances at best and criminals at worst while legally occupying space in the public and their own homes.   Remember the white woman slapping the Black boy in the face at the pool?  Remember the Black Yale graduate student who was reported to police while in her campus study room? Remember the Black man followed to his apartment by a white woman who refused to believe he lived in the building?  Remember the white woman who pulled a gun on the Black family while enjoying time at a local park?  Remember the Black girl who was picked up while sitting at her desk and body slammed by the white male school resource officer?  Remember the Black man who was killed when a white law enforcement officer broke into his apartment and shot him?  Remember when Trayvon Martin was murdered by George Zimmerman?

I could remind you of so many more incidents but I imagine you get my drift.  Sooo…tell me, why now do we still need a wake up call?

In 2019, if we are still asleep to these challenges of equity and justice there is a much worse problem.  I’d say that the problem lies within our expectations of fairness despite a reality that implies otherwise.

We have no evidence to support such expectation although fairness is that to which everyone is entitled.  Nonetheless it continues to elude us.  And since we cannot argue with reality, we must begin managing our expectations and consider new choices to minimize encounters of such disrespect and dehumanization.

For some, the right approach is through legislation or sensitivity training or teaching tolerance or implicit bias seminars or some combination of them all.  But these approaches suggest that trainings, classes or legislation can alter the inherent character traits of others.  These approaches also suggest that there is an actual fix to achieve the acceptance of our humanity by those of whom we want acceptance.

Instead, because the shortest distance between two points is a straight line, I suggest:
•WE learn to accept us
•WE act in our own interests and
•WE acknowledge that the past 400 years of domestic violence have not been a transient experience.

The sooner we do these, the sooner we will begin directing our energy, talent and resources in the right direction.  These three steps will allow us to begin creating conditions wherein we can live freely.

Otherwise, if we choose to wait until legislation or uncomfortable conversations ignite change, we are holding our own peace hostage to the unwilling disposal of values that preserve the dominance of our once slave owners.

No.  I say we needn’t bother them to change their principles and behaviors when we can change our own and create a future that is unlike our past.

To listen to the Nurah Speaks podcast episode on this topic, use this link:
soundcloud.com/nurahspeaks/ep-83-managing-expectations-in-400-years-of-domestic-violence

Subscribe to Nurah Speaks on Spotify, ApplePodcasts, SoundCloud, Stitcher, CastBox, RadioPublic or wherever you stream great podcasts.

Be sure to let me know what you think about this article in the comments below!
​

There is a formula to making powerful men and without our intending, we often interrupt that formula.  As women, we may not realize the sort of training, guidance and experiences essential in shaping a boy into a strong man.

Women with influence in a boy’s development may incline them to be passive, submissive, indecisive, unassertive and even docile without even realizing it.

I’ll pause here for definition.   Teachers, mothers, aunts, grandmothers and caregivers are among the women I consider as the most influential women in a boy’s life.

I often hear or read of Black women’s grumbling of the lack of ‘Real Men’.  ‘Real men’ are typically considered men who have financial means to support his family, the desire and ability to protect his family, the presence to raise his children and the respect, love and appreciation of Black women.

These are indeed desirable qualities for any man.  But what may be present in our language and behaviors that interrupt these from developing in the young men and boys with whom we have influence?

Take for instance the language that resonated in the late 1990’s into the 2000’s among black women.  “I don’t need no man!”  “I’m a strong and independent black woman!” 

Today we acknowledge that the “Strong Black Woman” syndrome has helped to foster depression among black women. As we were heralding our strength and independence, we were declining (or declining to seek) the help and supports when necessary.  If this language and corresponding behaviors had a detrimental effect on us, it certainly would have impacted our boys who heard it from us.

“Black women are strong.  They are independent.  They don’t need…me.”

Consider as well our hampering a father’s discipline, training and raising of sons.  I know of women (mothers, grandmothers, aunts) who will literally interrupt a father’s chastising his son because the language is deemed too harsh or the punishment too severe.  

“Leave that boy alone! “
“Stop talking to him like that!”

But it is in the home where boys learn first learn how to manage conflict and strong words from another male.  What women may deem as harsh, a man recognizes as the pressure a black boy needs to prepare him for the challenges that await in adulthood.

Here is an example that is easy to understand.  Imagine a chess club coached by a hockey player.  The club is sure to have limited, if any, success.  In the best interest of the chess club, the hockey player should give way to the expertise of a chess instructor.  

Raising a boy is a fundamental as that.  We have to respect the intrinsic value of men.

I recall several years ago a woman once sought advice from the Steve Harvey Morning Show about her teen son.  The young man was unmotivated and lethargic.  He spent hours and hours laying around and watching television; he didn’t bathe regularly, nor did he play outside with his peers.  She was concerned he was depressed and needed psychotherapy.  It was interesting how the female co-host viewed the issue differently from Steve.   She was empathetic and also thought professional help was in order.  Then Steve commented.  

His advice was not to jump to the conclusion that the boy was depressed.  He suggested instead that this was the case of a lazy and sloven teen and what the boy really needed was discipline and structure.  He informed the caller that teen boys do not typically structure themselves and if given an opportunity will be as lazy and dusty as we allow.  He questioned if there was a father figure in the home because working fathers are typically men who do not tolerate boys sitting idle in their presence.  

Differing genders.  Differing perspectives.

For me, this speaks to women lacking those qualities that are organic and prominent in men necessary for the rearing of strong men.  I am not suggesting that women alone cannot raise men who are decent and strong.  I am suggesting that if we do not have to, don’t.  The presence of a man is natural for a boy to model and pattern himself after.

This writing is not an indictment on women but an acknowledgment of men.  

But I have recognized embittered women, who weaponize their influence with male children.  I’ve observed mothers, grandmothers and even teachers bully the ambitions, dignity, will and personal pride right out of the boys of whom they are charged to keep safe.  How is it then that we want men who were intimidated by women as boys, to be the powerful ‘Real Men’ we need today?

If we plant a watermelon seed, we don’t expect an apple tree to grow.

We are (sup)plant our boys’ self determination and drive if we brutally castigate them, hinder their adventurous spirit and use language that attacks their ‘maleness.’

Brow beating boys, suppressing their masculinity and repeating male bashing refrains will not produce strong men.  We weaken them before they have a chance to try their potential.  When we are discouraging and using fear as control, we cause them to doubt their own promise.

Allow me this abbreviated moment to talk about teachers and controlling our boys with fear….

Be cautious of female teachers and school administrators who want our boys to be ‘manageable’.  The energy of black children is often used as an excuse to call our children hyper, unmanageable or having ADD or behavioral disturbances. Now think about the Caucasian and Asian children you frequently observe running in supermarkets, being non compliant in restaurants, talking back, etc.  These children are often considered exuberant, fearless, independent, adventurous and strong willed.  These are positive connotations.  Their parents are typically patient, gentle in scolding, and even-tempered in managing them.  Interesting isn’t it? 

Perhaps instead of seeking to control our children and stifle their energy, a better teacher would integrate that energy in the lesson planning for her classroom.  All children are not made the same and not all students have the same learning style. Therefore, there should not be only one teaching style for all our children.  If the teacher trying to ‘manage’ your child’s energy is not flexible enough to adapt methods wherein your son can succeed and explore his potential, consider a different classroom or school altogether.

Abbreviated moment over…

So, what can we do to help our boys become strong men?

The first thing we can do is to put them in an environment that nurtures their promise and expands their capacity. 

Exhaust every effort possible to maintain homes with fathers in them.   

Let them have a male to pattern themselves after without dogging every bad trait we dislike in the man. 

When families maintain fathers in the home, we eliminate the need to seek male mentorship outside the home.  This world is so wicked that we take great risk seeking coaches, preachers, mentors and even stepdads to step in with our sons.  We know that the possibility for abuse by child predators increases in those scenarios.

Dads do not not have to be perfect (just as we are not perfect).  But they should be present.  

We do not need to divest our sons of the perfect image they have of their fathers by running down each transgression they’ve committed.  Time and maturity will teach them that no one is perfect and that we each have our faults.  They’ll learn also that they too can be loved despite their own imperfections.

My last point on the subject of making boys into strong men is that we should monitor the language we use in reference to black men as we fight for equal rights and justice.  The trend is to attack ‘Toxic Masculinity’ and the ‘Patriarchy.’  Regarding so-called toxic masculinity-I would suggest that there is no such thing.  There is only bad behavior and bad actors and the connotation of masculinity as toxic can have damaging consequences. 

Society wants black men docile, suggestible and repressing their manhood.   Language like this promotes this in boys.  We do not have to attack masculinity, only address bad behavior and bad actors. 

Regarding the patriarchy-let’s be reminded that black men are victims of the patriarchy themselves as the patriarchy in America is and has always been white men.  Black feminists who want to topple the patriarchy are misdirecting their grievances when including Black men as their enemies in receiving justice.  The Black man has not yet received equal rights, nor is he in a position to deny us the same.

Black men are our not our adversaries nor our opposition.  They are our brothers and we should love them as such - as they should love us as such.  It is observance of this love and mutual respect that our boys need in their development into strong men.

​

In too many urban areas across this country, un-informed leadership have taken to patterning themselves after a certain beggar named Lazarus who laid at the gate of the rich man desiring to be fed with the crumbs that fell from the rich man’s table.

These leaders amplify the role of corporations and politicians to reduce crime rates and gun deaths in our communities while diminishing the role of the actual community.

They scapegoat by creating a ‘bogeyman mythology’ laying fault at the politically or economically elite and deflect accountability from where it should fall first and that is in our homes.  Parents, uncles, aunts, grandparents, coaches, counselors, mentors and preachers should be scrutinized first, even ahead of law enforcement.

It is putting ourselves in a subordinate role to suggest that companies and politicians are responsible ahead of families in creating safe communities.  This is a childish, immature and embarrassing assertion and shows a lack of accountability and true leadership.

While it may be easy to hold our hands out towards the golden palace, the real and sustainable changes requires families in the community to be accountable and intentional.  Change is made when ‘we’ decide we want it.

We have to divest from this Lazarus-type behavior and get up and get it for ourselves!  Stop thinking we are so unworthy and incapable that we seek to beg instead of build.

Listen to the Nurah Speaks Podcast episode on this subject with this link:soundcloud.com/nurahspeaks/ep-76-politicians-and-corporations.

Subscribe to Nurah Speaks on Spotify, ApplePodcasts, SoundCloud, Stitcher, CastBox, RadioPublic or wherever you stream great podcasts.

Be sure to let me know what you think about this article in the comments below!

I begin this conversation with thought, consideration and sensitivity due this subject.  And after having weighed it greatly, I think it is time for us to begin this dialogue.

​This is a conversation about motherhood.

One Mother’s Day morning, I called many to wish them a Happy Mother’s Day. But one call brought me to this writing.  My great-aunt, someone I admire greatly, complimented me on the my mothering of my two sons.  She told me that I had raised the bar on mothering and have a made a career of motherhood.

I thanked her dearly for her compliment, knowing that my work is not even half finished and that I can easily think of other mothers whose wisdom and success I am striving to match.

But something else came to mind for me in this conversation.  In my ‘success’ and effort in being a good mother, the greatest component of motherhood, for me, has been in sustaining my marriage to my children’s father.

Those who are married, or were married, can attest to the challenges involved in any marriage.  There are no Cinderella stories; fairy tales simply do not exist.

I have once said that one of the greatest of all life’s challenges is to be in and maintain a marriage.  Here you have two people who have their own separate perceptions, personal goals and unique histories.  And these two have committed to a lifetime union, before a community of witnesses. And within that lifetime, ideas change, goals shift and family, career, financial and a score of other challenges arise.  Yet the commitment is to maintain the union.

Consider how many times we change our minds, leave difficult job situations or dissolve friendships that sour.  People are ever-growing and ever-changing.  And in all circumstances we reserve the right to make a different decision.

But in marriage we have committed to togetherness through ‘good and bad’ times.  We commit to oneness in ‘abundance and poverty’ and through ‘sickness and health.’  This is no easy feat to accomplish, especially in modern America.

How does this relate to motherhood?

Motherhood is defined simply as the state of being a mother.  Yet there is nothing simplistic in it at all.  In motherhood, our obligation is not just to rear our children by feeding, clothing, sheltering and educating them. 

Motherhood involves exposing our children to that which is healthy and progressive and protecting them from that which is damaging.  The fullness of the child is dependent on the completion of our duty.

We must be careful not to exclude the provision of fatherhood as an unnecessary or extra option.  Fatherhood is as necessary to a child as is a good education, wholesome nutrition and safe shelter.

Motherhood means ensuring our children have access to all that is necessary; this includes a father.  Marriage is the course which ‘best’ ensures fathers parent their children.  Obviously, fathers may pass away while their children are young and there are other unfortunate circumstances such as divorce, incarceration, abandonment and addictions which may preclude a father from actively(daily) raising his child.
​
I began saying that it is with great sensitivity in which I write because as mothers, we can often be sensitive and/or defensive regarding this subject. 

And while I observe our sensitivity, I also must note our accountability.

We have the greatest influence on our children that anyone can ever have.  Motherhood entitles us to this gift.  As such we must always stay mindful of the best structure to produce the best outcomes.

And this is marriage.  And as hard as marriage may come to be at times, it is a worthy expression of motherhood.

I had a conversation with my older son once.  He heard an NPR report about child custody and said that it was unfair that just because parents break up, fathers cannot see their children.  It was the perfect opportunity to teach him about reality.

I told him that marriage is hard work and just like he and his brother do not always like each other, parents go through the same challenges.  And just as he and his brother make amends, so do parents.  It is what happens in a family.


I explained that parenting is a like a group project.  Each has their own contribution to the project to create the best outcome.  When one party drops out, that leaves an unfair burden on the other and there is bound to be a shortage somewhere that cannot be made up.  That is parenting in a marriage.

​
Motherhood is glorious!  It is also hard work and not exclusive of creating conditions that encourage a father's presence.

Note-I realize this writing will certainly have its detractors.  And I welcome that feedback as I would any positive feedback.  However know in advance that I make no apologies for the above. 

I was not raised by either parent; mother or father.  And I am very familiar with the identity issues, emotional issues and other psycho-social issues for a child who lacks a parent (or both.)  Therefore, it was my decision early on in life to minimize this, if I ever had children, by exhausting every effort to maintain my children in a two parent household.

I am also aware of unhealthy or dangerous circumstances that prevent a father from actively parenting his children and by no means am I suggesting any mother remain in such.  That is antithetical to motherhood.

Still I am under no illusion of the victimhood some single-mothers promote of their situations. Some parents tag out of marriage because it’s easier to change their minds than endure the challenges.  Tagging out is an option for all of us although not all of us take advantage-in part because of the whole child we are striving to develop. 

I know of other women who irresponsibly/unintentionally become co-parents with a man never having had an intention of securing a family (with her.)  And I observe many of these women presenting themselves as single-parent martyrs to their children and others…instead of acknowledging poor planning or having made an unwise decision.

Motherhood is a certainly a challenge in any condition.  How great it is to have a partner who is just as invested in the active parenting of our children!  This partnership begins with making an informed and qualified choice for a partner before unintentionally becoming a parent with a man ill-suited for such.

One of the greatest impacts a woman can make is the well-prepared child she sends into the community to upgrade the world in which we live.  The preparation of that child begins in the home with the provision of everything a child needs to thrive.  Key to that preparation is a father in the home.  Any suggestion to the contrary is antithetical to the health of our communities.

To listen to the Nurah Speaks Podcast episode on this topic click the link:
soundcloud.com/nurahspeaks/ep-75-black-women-hard-truths-part-2

Subscribe to Nurah Speaks on Spotify, ApplePodcasts, SoundCloud, Stitcher, CastBox, RadioPublic or wherever you stream great podcasts.

Be sure to let me know what you think about this article in the comments below!

Be forewarned that this subject is a sensitive one.  This conversation involves Black women and us owning up to our errors, bad judgement and ill informed choices. ​

I proceed with caution- but I proceed nonetheless because for us to change our outcomes we must change the socially accepted norms in our communities.

But although this is a sensitive issue, it is not my intention to turn anyone off by what I share.  Yet I must tell the truth.

Truth resonates.  Truth makes impacts.  And truth can hurt.  But truth can also heal when we allow it.  And as I proceed in this conversation-please know that I am including myself in this. I do not stand on a tall mountain talking down to anyone.  In fact-I have been the recipient of hard truths-and I have let myself feel the sting of truth and the consolation of truth.

And it is truth that we need as the vehicle to winning in life.  But the absence of truth is like us playing the game, not knowing the rules.  We will lose every time.

And here is the truth…

We, black women, are making too many poor choices.

We make poor choices and then blame others for the results of these choices.

We are enabled in our poor decision making and frequently take on a victim role and mentality.

And the fact of the matter is, we are the victims of our own bad decisions and when we have children, they become the casualty of these choices.

I know this may seem harsh and I do not mean to paint us all with the same brush, so if you do not think these statements apply to you…by all means, let them fly.  But if they do apply, please take a moment to reflect and be empowered with the truth.

I will share an example of what I mean.  In my capacity of working with young women, I hear a lot about deadbeat dads and young men who run from the responsibility of fatherhood.  And when I hear this talk, I remind them that their friends and sisters were not being responsible young ladies when they conceived their children.  They were not in stable committed marriages.  More often than not, they were being reckless with a reckless young man which resulted in an unintended pregnancy.  And neither pregnancy nor the birth of a baby automatically transforms a reckless boy into a responsible young man.

I tell my girls that young women must act responsibly and make mature choices or face the consequences of reckless behavior.  This does not absolve a young man from his responsibility of fatherhood.  Yet we must be honest with our young ladies…and inform them of what comes from careless behavior.

We have to talk to them about choices.  And if we as women are so irresponsible as to choose irresponsible men with which to engage in casual relationships-we cannot be shocked when they do not rise to the occasion of fatherhood.

But this is what happens.   Women are naturally frustrated that a man does not act as a responsible father.  While we are saddled with the responsibility of motherhood, he just goes on living his life as if he does not share in this major burden.   

This is where I remind my young women-these young men were not chosen because of their maturity and character.  They were cute.  They were fine.  And they gave attention.  There was no discussion about lifetime goals, commitment, responsibility and seldom ever any talk of birth control and parenthood.  He was cute and she was ready.  And she made a choice.
And nine months later, he is still cute but no more responsible than when she chose him.

I make clear that the one thing we have full control of is our choices.

I find very often that we have to be reminded that we and we alone are culpable for the choices that we make.  This is not me victim blaming.  This is me reminding us that we have power - and that it is our right to exercise our power to create the outcomes we desire.

And this is why I make it a priority to inform our young women that each and every action has a corresponding reaction.  Good decisions create good outcomes.  Bad decisions create poor outcomes.  And I give examples of each.
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So instead of women laying blame for the struggle of our single parenthood at the foot of men, we must know that the first fault lies with the choices we have made.

And if we do not take moments to have these serious discussions with our young ladies - we will continue to see generational struggle in ways that are easily preventable.

This article is just part-one of an ongoing discussion that I think is important for us to have in the Black community.  I hope you will return for part 2.  Feel free to let me know what you think by leaving a comment below.  I look forward to your feedback.

Be sure to check out the accompanying Nurah Speaks Podcast episode discussing this topic by clicking this link: soundcloud.com/nurahspeaks/ep-74black-women-hard-truths-part-1

Subscribe to Nurah Speaks on Spotify, ApplePodcasts, SoundCloud, Stitcher, CastBox, RadioPublic or wherever you stream great podcasts.

I’ve written about jealousy before in my blog but I wanted to expand on that conversation here.    It continues as a problematic issue in our community impacting relationships and potentially transformative outcomes.

Jealousy is one of those social cancers that eats at the fabric of our community and the sanity of the individual bearing the jealousy.  In this article I discuss the five common components of jealousy that I’ve observed in the bearer.

But before we discuss those, let me first define provide definition.

Jealousy is the intense resentment that some one experiences when another acquires something that one wants for himself (or believes that he deserves).

The bearer of jealousy desires for herself that which she observes of others-whether she’s earned it or not.  She resents the object of her jealousy so much that she invests precious time and mental energy in contemplation about the person of whom she is jealous.

***I will interchange the pronouns ‘he’ or ‘she’ in this article in hopes of bringing this conversation home to the reader.  Jealousy is experienced equally in men and women.***

An unfortunate consequences of jealousy is that the bearer oft becomes embittered, even so obsessed with the object of his jealousy that he begins acting on the jealousy.  I outline how that occurs later in the article.

But for now, let’s review the components of jealousy.

Insecurity-Folks who lack confidence and have low self esteem are a problem for themselves and often a problem for others.  Sure, we all experience moments of insecurity but people who are jealous experience insecurity more often than not. They tend to have negative beliefs about themselves and poor self worth which contributes to their negative beliefs and devaluing of others.

Hatred- A jealous person develops hatred for the admiration, success, access and opportunity gained by the object of his jealousy.  When he observes others admiring and cheering this person, it stokes his fire of envy.  When he observes the gains, successes, opportunity and access, it fuels an ill will that is hard for a weak person to keep self contained.

Quite simply, he hates that this person is admired.  He hates that this person has access that he wishes to have himself.  He hates the wins this person has earned.  Their success angers him so much that only the person’s public disgrace and public malign or even physical harm can bring them an ease of mind.

It is not only that he believes he is entitled to the success this person has earned but that the other person should not have it at all.

Assumptions- A jealous person thinks that the object of her jealous is only lucky or has received unfair handouts or personal favors.  She does not acknowledge the merit by which the success was earned.  A jealous person will even assume that the person must have done something dishonest to earn what’s been gained.  These assumptions are usually made because she has not or will not or cannot put in the same efforts to achieve the same results.  This leads to the next component of jealousy.

Disregard-A jealous person totally dismisses the dedication, effort and sacrifice a person employs to be successful.   There are key ingredients to success.  Among those are commitment, sacrifice and consistency.  A person who disregards these essentials is a person who lacks understanding of the process.  This sort of ignorance makes it impossible to appreciate these elements to success and achieve success in one’s own goals.

Because the bearer of jealousy lacks capacity to acknowledge these fundamentals, he does not exercise them in his own activities, nor can he acknowledge it of others.

Campaign-Lastly, the bearer of jealousy who is unable to contain his envy to himself, takes his jealousy on a campaign tour spreading it to as many people who will listen.  It is his goal to discredit the object of his jealousy by spreading lies and his own unfounded assumptions about the source of the success.  He works to create animosity in others for the target of his jealousy by telling obvious and not so obvious lies. And when the envy becomes all consuming, he incites others to intimidate or cause harm to the person (or the person’s property).

This is a common marker of jealousy.  To elevated himself, the bearer tries to knock the other down in the minds of people.  To shine, he tries to dim the other’s light.

Now it cannot go unmentioned that this kind of person is often a person who is close to the other.  He is a friend, a contemporary, a teammate, a business partner or even a close relative.  Watching the other rise, advance and flourish beyond him is challenging for someone with low self esteem. He thinks, ‘Why him and not me?  He isn’t good enough.  I deserve this!”

His relationship and proximity to the other is an advantage in his slanderous campaign.  It is what gives him credibility in spreading his lies and hatred. These kinds of people play on the intellectual and/or emotional vulnerability of others who are also impaired with their own character defects.

Some may think, ‘Well, he must be telling the truth-he knows him so well. He’s been so close to him soooo…”

Still others may be not be so convinced but also not need supporting evidence to join the campaign.  These people simply enjoy the excitement of any good controversy.

The bearer of jealousy may enjoin all of this-the hatred, the assumptions, the disregard and the campaign-yet without so much as showing an inkling to the person of whom they are jealous.  He may appear as the greatest cheerleader all the while masking his contempt and working behind the scenes to sour the opinions of others.  Therefore it is incumbent upon anyone who has experienced personal and professional triumphs to continually take inventory of those closest to her.  She should pay attention to the sudden or gradual shifts in the attitudes and behaviors of those around her including those in the innermost, the outer and still more distant circles.  If discerning, she can identify the source of the disruption.

This is how jealousy destroys from within.  It rots away at the character of the bearer but also destroy relationships and the great potential for progress.  Jealousy makes people act against their own self interests in their efforts to sabotage another.  It is a crippling, blinding disease that we must get a grip on before it destroys us and causes us to act contrary to our own selves.


Listen to the Nurah Speaks Podcast episode on this same issue by clicking the following link :soundcloud.com/nurahspeaks/ep-69jealousy-destroys-from-within


Subscribe to Nurah Speaks on Spotify, ApplePodcasts, SoundCloud, Stitcher, CastBox, RadioPublic or wherever you stream great podcasts.

Be sure to let me know what you think about this article in the comments below!