There is a formula to making powerful men and without our intending, we often interrupt that formula.  As women, we may not realize the sort of training, guidance and experiences essential in shaping a boy into a strong man.

Women with influence in a boy’s development may incline them to be passive, submissive, indecisive, unassertive and even docile without even realizing it.

I’ll pause here for definition.   Teachers, mothers, aunts, grandmothers and caregivers are among the women I consider as the most influential women in a boy’s life.

I often hear or read of Black women’s grumbling of the lack of ‘Real Men’.  ‘Real men’ are typically considered men who have financial means to support his family, the desire and ability to protect his family, the presence to raise his children and the respect, love and appreciation of Black women.

These are indeed desirable qualities for any man.  But what may be present in our language and behaviors that interrupt these from developing in the young men and boys with whom we have influence?

Take for instance the language that resonated in the late 1990’s into the 2000’s among black women.  “I don’t need no man!”  “I’m a strong and independent black woman!” 

Today we acknowledge that the “Strong Black Woman” syndrome has helped to foster depression among black women. As we were heralding our strength and independence, we were declining (or declining to seek) the help and supports when necessary.  If this language and corresponding behaviors had a detrimental effect on us, it certainly would have impacted our boys who heard it from us.

“Black women are strong.  They are independent.  They don’t need…me.”

Consider as well our hampering a father’s discipline, training and raising of sons.  I know of women (mothers, grandmothers, aunts) who will literally interrupt a father’s chastising his son because the language is deemed too harsh or the punishment too severe.  

“Leave that boy alone! “
“Stop talking to him like that!”

But it is in the home where boys learn first learn how to manage conflict and strong words from another male.  What women may deem as harsh, a man recognizes as the pressure a black boy needs to prepare him for the challenges that await in adulthood.

Here is an example that is easy to understand.  Imagine a chess club coached by a hockey player.  The club is sure to have limited, if any, success.  In the best interest of the chess club, the hockey player should give way to the expertise of a chess instructor.  

Raising a boy is a fundamental as that.  We have to respect the intrinsic value of men.

I recall several years ago a woman once sought advice from the Steve Harvey Morning Show about her teen son.  The young man was unmotivated and lethargic.  He spent hours and hours laying around and watching television; he didn’t bathe regularly, nor did he play outside with his peers.  She was concerned he was depressed and needed psychotherapy.  It was interesting how the female co-host viewed the issue differently from Steve.   She was empathetic and also thought professional help was in order.  Then Steve commented.  

His advice was not to jump to the conclusion that the boy was depressed.  He suggested instead that this was the case of a lazy and sloven teen and what the boy really needed was discipline and structure.  He informed the caller that teen boys do not typically structure themselves and if given an opportunity will be as lazy and dusty as we allow.  He questioned if there was a father figure in the home because working fathers are typically men who do not tolerate boys sitting idle in their presence.  

Differing genders.  Differing perspectives.

For me, this speaks to women lacking those qualities that are organic and prominent in men necessary for the rearing of strong men.  I am not suggesting that women alone cannot raise men who are decent and strong.  I am suggesting that if we do not have to, don’t.  The presence of a man is natural for a boy to model and pattern himself after.

This writing is not an indictment on women but an acknowledgment of men.  

But I have recognized embittered women, who weaponize their influence with male children.  I’ve observed mothers, grandmothers and even teachers bully the ambitions, dignity, will and personal pride right out of the boys of whom they are charged to keep safe.  How is it then that we want men who were intimidated by women as boys, to be the powerful ‘Real Men’ we need today?

If we plant a watermelon seed, we don’t expect an apple tree to grow.

We are (sup)plant our boys’ self determination and drive if we brutally castigate them, hinder their adventurous spirit and use language that attacks their ‘maleness.’

Brow beating boys, suppressing their masculinity and repeating male bashing refrains will not produce strong men.  We weaken them before they have a chance to try their potential.  When we are discouraging and using fear as control, we cause them to doubt their own promise.

Allow me this abbreviated moment to talk about teachers and controlling our boys with fear….

Be cautious of female teachers and school administrators who want our boys to be ‘manageable’.  The energy of black children is often used as an excuse to call our children hyper, unmanageable or having ADD or behavioral disturbances. Now think about the Caucasian and Asian children you frequently observe running in supermarkets, being non compliant in restaurants, talking back, etc.  These children are often considered exuberant, fearless, independent, adventurous and strong willed.  These are positive connotations.  Their parents are typically patient, gentle in scolding, and even-tempered in managing them.  Interesting isn’t it? 

Perhaps instead of seeking to control our children and stifle their energy, a better teacher would integrate that energy in the lesson planning for her classroom.  All children are not made the same and not all students have the same learning style. Therefore, there should not be only one teaching style for all our children.  If the teacher trying to ‘manage’ your child’s energy is not flexible enough to adapt methods wherein your son can succeed and explore his potential, consider a different classroom or school altogether.

Abbreviated moment over…

So, what can we do to help our boys become strong men?

The first thing we can do is to put them in an environment that nurtures their promise and expands their capacity. 

Exhaust every effort possible to maintain homes with fathers in them.   

Let them have a male to pattern themselves after without dogging every bad trait we dislike in the man. 

When families maintain fathers in the home, we eliminate the need to seek male mentorship outside the home.  This world is so wicked that we take great risk seeking coaches, preachers, mentors and even stepdads to step in with our sons.  We know that the possibility for abuse by child predators increases in those scenarios.

Dads do not not have to be perfect (just as we are not perfect).  But they should be present.  

We do not need to divest our sons of the perfect image they have of their fathers by running down each transgression they’ve committed.  Time and maturity will teach them that no one is perfect and that we each have our faults.  They’ll learn also that they too can be loved despite their own imperfections.

My last point on the subject of making boys into strong men is that we should monitor the language we use in reference to black men as we fight for equal rights and justice.  The trend is to attack ‘Toxic Masculinity’ and the ‘Patriarchy.’  Regarding so-called toxic masculinity-I would suggest that there is no such thing.  There is only bad behavior and bad actors and the connotation of masculinity as toxic can have damaging consequences. 

Society wants black men docile, suggestible and repressing their manhood.   Language like this promotes this in boys.  We do not have to attack masculinity, only address bad behavior and bad actors. 

Regarding the patriarchy-let’s be reminded that black men are victims of the patriarchy themselves as the patriarchy in America is and has always been white men.  Black feminists who want to topple the patriarchy are misdirecting their grievances when including Black men as their enemies in receiving justice.  The Black man has not yet received equal rights, nor is he in a position to deny us the same.

Black men are our not our adversaries nor our opposition.  They are our brothers and we should love them as such - as they should love us as such.  It is observance of this love and mutual respect that our boys need in their development into strong men.

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In too many urban areas across this country, un-informed leadership have taken to patterning themselves after a certain beggar named Lazarus who laid at the gate of the rich man desiring to be fed with the crumbs that fell from the rich man’s table.

These leaders amplify the role of corporations and politicians to reduce crime rates and gun deaths in our communities while diminishing the role of the actual community.

They scapegoat by creating a ‘bogeyman mythology’ laying fault at the politically or economically elite and deflect accountability from where it should fall first and that is in our homes.  Parents, uncles, aunts, grandparents, coaches, counselors, mentors and preachers should be scrutinized first, even ahead of law enforcement.

It is putting ourselves in a subordinate role to suggest that companies and politicians are responsible ahead of families in creating safe communities.  This is a childish, immature and embarrassing assertion and shows a lack of accountability and true leadership.

While it may be easy to hold our hands out towards the golden palace, the real and sustainable changes requires families in the community to be accountable and intentional.  Change is made when ‘we’ decide we want it.

We have to divest from this Lazarus-type behavior and get up and get it for ourselves!  Stop thinking we are so unworthy and incapable that we seek to beg instead of build.

Listen to the Nurah Speaks Podcast episode on this subject with this link:soundcloud.com/nurahspeaks/ep-76-politicians-and-corporations.

Subscribe to Nurah Speaks on Spotify, ApplePodcasts, SoundCloud, Stitcher, CastBox, RadioPublic or wherever you stream great podcasts.

Be sure to let me know what you think about this article in the comments below!

I begin this conversation with thought, consideration and sensitivity due this subject.  And after having weighed it greatly, I think it is time for us to begin this dialogue.

​This is a conversation about motherhood.

One Mother’s Day morning, I called many to wish them a Happy Mother’s Day. But one call brought me to this writing.  My great-aunt, someone I admire greatly, complimented me on the my mothering of my two sons.  She told me that I had raised the bar on mothering and have a made a career of motherhood.

I thanked her dearly for her compliment, knowing that my work is not even half finished and that I can easily think of other mothers whose wisdom and success I am striving to match.

But something else came to mind for me in this conversation.  In my ‘success’ and effort in being a good mother, the greatest component of motherhood, for me, has been in sustaining my marriage to my children’s father.

Those who are married, or were married, can attest to the challenges involved in any marriage.  There are no Cinderella stories; fairy tales simply do not exist.

I have once said that one of the greatest of all life’s challenges is to be in and maintain a marriage.  Here you have two people who have their own separate perceptions, personal goals and unique histories.  And these two have committed to a lifetime union, before a community of witnesses. And within that lifetime, ideas change, goals shift and family, career, financial and a score of other challenges arise.  Yet the commitment is to maintain the union.

Consider how many times we change our minds, leave difficult job situations or dissolve friendships that sour.  People are ever-growing and ever-changing.  And in all circumstances we reserve the right to make a different decision.

But in marriage we have committed to togetherness through ‘good and bad’ times.  We commit to oneness in ‘abundance and poverty’ and through ‘sickness and health.’  This is no easy feat to accomplish, especially in modern America.

How does this relate to motherhood?

Motherhood is defined simply as the state of being a mother.  Yet there is nothing simplistic in it at all.  In motherhood, our obligation is not just to rear our children by feeding, clothing, sheltering and educating them. 

Motherhood involves exposing our children to that which is healthy and progressive and protecting them from that which is damaging.  The fullness of the child is dependent on the completion of our duty.

We must be careful not to exclude the provision of fatherhood as an unnecessary or extra option.  Fatherhood is as necessary to a child as is a good education, wholesome nutrition and safe shelter.

Motherhood means ensuring our children have access to all that is necessary; this includes a father.  Marriage is the course which ‘best’ ensures fathers parent their children.  Obviously, fathers may pass away while their children are young and there are other unfortunate circumstances such as divorce, incarceration, abandonment and addictions which may preclude a father from actively(daily) raising his child.
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I began saying that it is with great sensitivity in which I write because as mothers, we can often be sensitive and/or defensive regarding this subject. 

And while I observe our sensitivity, I also must note our accountability.

We have the greatest influence on our children that anyone can ever have.  Motherhood entitles us to this gift.  As such we must always stay mindful of the best structure to produce the best outcomes.

And this is marriage.  And as hard as marriage may come to be at times, it is a worthy expression of motherhood.

I had a conversation with my older son once.  He heard an NPR report about child custody and said that it was unfair that just because parents break up, fathers cannot see their children.  It was the perfect opportunity to teach him about reality.

I told him that marriage is hard work and just like he and his brother do not always like each other, parents go through the same challenges.  And just as he and his brother make amends, so do parents.  It is what happens in a family.


I explained that parenting is a like a group project.  Each has their own contribution to the project to create the best outcome.  When one party drops out, that leaves an unfair burden on the other and there is bound to be a shortage somewhere that cannot be made up.  That is parenting in a marriage.

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Motherhood is glorious!  It is also hard work and not exclusive of creating conditions that encourage a father's presence.

Note-I realize this writing will certainly have its detractors.  And I welcome that feedback as I would any positive feedback.  However know in advance that I make no apologies for the above. 

I was not raised by either parent; mother or father.  And I am very familiar with the identity issues, emotional issues and other psycho-social issues for a child who lacks a parent (or both.)  Therefore, it was my decision early on in life to minimize this, if I ever had children, by exhausting every effort to maintain my children in a two parent household.

I am also aware of unhealthy or dangerous circumstances that prevent a father from actively parenting his children and by no means am I suggesting any mother remain in such.  That is antithetical to motherhood.

Still I am under no illusion of the victimhood some single-mothers promote of their situations. Some parents tag out of marriage because it’s easier to change their minds than endure the challenges.  Tagging out is an option for all of us although not all of us take advantage-in part because of the whole child we are striving to develop. 

I know of other women who irresponsibly/unintentionally become co-parents with a man never having had an intention of securing a family (with her.)  And I observe many of these women presenting themselves as single-parent martyrs to their children and others…instead of acknowledging poor planning or having made an unwise decision.

Motherhood is a certainly a challenge in any condition.  How great it is to have a partner who is just as invested in the active parenting of our children!  This partnership begins with making an informed and qualified choice for a partner before unintentionally becoming a parent with a man ill-suited for such.

One of the greatest impacts a woman can make is the well-prepared child she sends into the community to upgrade the world in which we live.  The preparation of that child begins in the home with the provision of everything a child needs to thrive.  Key to that preparation is a father in the home.  Any suggestion to the contrary is antithetical to the health of our communities.

To listen to the Nurah Speaks Podcast episode on this topic click the link:
soundcloud.com/nurahspeaks/ep-75-black-women-hard-truths-part-2

Subscribe to Nurah Speaks on Spotify, ApplePodcasts, SoundCloud, Stitcher, CastBox, RadioPublic or wherever you stream great podcasts.

Be sure to let me know what you think about this article in the comments below!