I’ve written about jealousy before in my blog but I wanted to expand on that conversation here.    It continues as a problematic issue in our community impacting relationships and potentially transformative outcomes.

Jealousy is one of those social cancers that eats at the fabric of our community and the sanity of the individual bearing the jealousy.  In this article I discuss the five common components of jealousy that I’ve observed in the bearer.

But before we discuss those, let me first define provide definition.

Jealousy is the intense resentment that some one experiences when another acquires something that one wants for himself (or believes that he deserves).

The bearer of jealousy desires for herself that which she observes of others-whether she’s earned it or not.  She resents the object of her jealousy so much that she invests precious time and mental energy in contemplation about the person of whom she is jealous.

***I will interchange the pronouns ‘he’ or ‘she’ in this article in hopes of bringing this conversation home to the reader.  Jealousy is experienced equally in men and women.***

An unfortunate consequences of jealousy is that the bearer oft becomes embittered, even so obsessed with the object of his jealousy that he begins acting on the jealousy.  I outline how that occurs later in the article.

But for now, let’s review the components of jealousy.

Insecurity-Folks who lack confidence and have low self esteem are a problem for themselves and often a problem for others.  Sure, we all experience moments of insecurity but people who are jealous experience insecurity more often than not. They tend to have negative beliefs about themselves and poor self worth which contributes to their negative beliefs and devaluing of others.

Hatred- A jealous person develops hatred for the admiration, success, access and opportunity gained by the object of his jealousy.  When he observes others admiring and cheering this person, it stokes his fire of envy.  When he observes the gains, successes, opportunity and access, it fuels an ill will that is hard for a weak person to keep self contained.

Quite simply, he hates that this person is admired.  He hates that this person has access that he wishes to have himself.  He hates the wins this person has earned.  Their success angers him so much that only the person’s public disgrace and public malign or even physical harm can bring them an ease of mind.

It is not only that he believes he is entitled to the success this person has earned but that the other person should not have it at all.

Assumptions- A jealous person thinks that the object of her jealous is only lucky or has received unfair handouts or personal favors.  She does not acknowledge the merit by which the success was earned.  A jealous person will even assume that the person must have done something dishonest to earn what’s been gained.  These assumptions are usually made because she has not or will not or cannot put in the same efforts to achieve the same results.  This leads to the next component of jealousy.

Disregard-A jealous person totally dismisses the dedication, effort and sacrifice a person employs to be successful.   There are key ingredients to success.  Among those are commitment, sacrifice and consistency.  A person who disregards these essentials is a person who lacks understanding of the process.  This sort of ignorance makes it impossible to appreciate these elements to success and achieve success in one’s own goals.

Because the bearer of jealousy lacks capacity to acknowledge these fundamentals, he does not exercise them in his own activities, nor can he acknowledge it of others.

Campaign-Lastly, the bearer of jealousy who is unable to contain his envy to himself, takes his jealousy on a campaign tour spreading it to as many people who will listen.  It is his goal to discredit the object of his jealousy by spreading lies and his own unfounded assumptions about the source of the success.  He works to create animosity in others for the target of his jealousy by telling obvious and not so obvious lies. And when the envy becomes all consuming, he incites others to intimidate or cause harm to the person (or the person’s property).

This is a common marker of jealousy.  To elevated himself, the bearer tries to knock the other down in the minds of people.  To shine, he tries to dim the other’s light.

Now it cannot go unmentioned that this kind of person is often a person who is close to the other.  He is a friend, a contemporary, a teammate, a business partner or even a close relative.  Watching the other rise, advance and flourish beyond him is challenging for someone with low self esteem. He thinks, ‘Why him and not me?  He isn’t good enough.  I deserve this!”

His relationship and proximity to the other is an advantage in his slanderous campaign.  It is what gives him credibility in spreading his lies and hatred. These kinds of people play on the intellectual and/or emotional vulnerability of others who are also impaired with their own character defects.

Some may think, ‘Well, he must be telling the truth-he knows him so well. He’s been so close to him soooo…”

Still others may be not be so convinced but also not need supporting evidence to join the campaign.  These people simply enjoy the excitement of any good controversy.

The bearer of jealousy may enjoin all of this-the hatred, the assumptions, the disregard and the campaign-yet without so much as showing an inkling to the person of whom they are jealous.  He may appear as the greatest cheerleader all the while masking his contempt and working behind the scenes to sour the opinions of others.  Therefore it is incumbent upon anyone who has experienced personal and professional triumphs to continually take inventory of those closest to her.  She should pay attention to the sudden or gradual shifts in the attitudes and behaviors of those around her including those in the innermost, the outer and still more distant circles.  If discerning, she can identify the source of the disruption.

This is how jealousy destroys from within.  It rots away at the character of the bearer but also destroy relationships and the great potential for progress.  Jealousy makes people act against their own self interests in their efforts to sabotage another.  It is a crippling, blinding disease that we must get a grip on before it destroys us and causes us to act contrary to our own selves.


Listen to the Nurah Speaks Podcast episode on this same issue by clicking the following link :soundcloud.com/nurahspeaks/ep-69jealousy-destroys-from-within


Subscribe to Nurah Speaks on Spotify, ApplePodcasts, SoundCloud, Stitcher, CastBox, RadioPublic or wherever you stream great podcasts.

Be sure to let me know what you think about this article in the comments below!

Our youth are ground zero and capturing their imagination is the crowning achievement for any solicitor, recruiter or marketer.  They represent the next wave which companies will rely upon to sustain themselves and grow.  Therefore, they are being solicited non stop by corporations like McDonald’s, Nike, Coke, Apple, Samsung.  Others soliciting youth include the armed services, colleges and universities. But still, others soliciting youth - on an abhorrent level - include criminal street gangs, sex traffickers, drug pushers and other ‘underworld’ elements.

If we, as interested adults involved in the welfare of children, do not think it necessary to have our own recruitment plans, we are terribly mistaken. 

And it is important to me, in this article, to discuss all of the elements, even the criminal, soliciting our youth to show the similarities in how they target our young people and what we can learn. 

Let’s start with major companies and then discuss the seedier elements. 

Corporations that employ youth marketing typically involve capitalizing on the personal insecurities of young people in which real or false needs are exploited.  Marketers take advantage of youth dissatisfaction and present fake solutions which most often are not mentally, financially or physically advantageous to youth.

Now here are two gang recruitment tactics:

Seduction-Legendary mythology of a gang’s leadership and lifestyle creates aspirational goals in the minds of youth.  The gang’s activities are depicted in a glorified and exciting way as a means to create interest.

Deception-Youth may be tricked that the gang is just a ‘club’ or convinced by their recruiter that they are neglected, unloved and maybe unwanted at home by family, the school system and/or the community at large.  They identify and prey on the needs of the young person’s natural inclination to belong and feel accepted.
Consider also a couple techniques of sex traffickers:

Sameness-Traffickers typically share the same background, ethnicity or culture of the victim to understand how to exploit their vulnerabilities.

Security-Traffickers lure victims with false promises of safety, security and even a loving relationship.

Recruitment and solicitation works well when the solicitor identifies an area of weakness.  Isolation, neglect, dissatisfaction, poverty, diminished esteem, sadness; these can all be indications of vulnerability for young people.  Predators look for these to identify ways in which to begin grooming their recruits. 

Likewise, advertisers employ researchers and psychologists to use their in-depth knowledge of children’s developmental, social and emotional needs at different ages to understand how to strategically market to them.

Now, it should be our goal, as responsible adults involved in children’s lives, to identify these same traits and areas of vulnerability.  And instead of exploiting them, we must engage youth with opportunities to strengthen these areas of weakness. 

So, we too must be solicitors, but we must solicit for the little leagues, the youth organizations, teen clubs, mentor programs, literacy centers, girl scouts, 4-H clubs, etc.  We have to pull our young people into safe spaces where they can access unique opportunities wherein belonging, love, acceptance, structure, responsibility, confidence building, organization, skill development and mastery are all included.

We have to be as focused in our recruitment as the streets and corporations are for the minds and energy of our young people.  Employing credible messengers, individuals who are relatable, is a key that must not be overlooked.  We cannot be so self centered as leaders to think our leadership, organization or personal style is the perfect fit for every youth.  Be wise and make referrals where appropriate.  There are so many great organizations within our community that there is something for everyone.  And if we find there is not, we should create it. ​

We cannot deride our young people for who or what they are not, if we are not willing to put in the work to train them.  And since we cannot lead from the couch, get up, get out and get involved.  We must exhaust ourselves in our efforts to penetrate the minds of our youth with the keys that we know are necessary for success and contentment of mind. 

Thanks for visiting my blog.  To listen to the Nurah Speaks episode on this subject, use the following link:  https://soundcloud.com/nurahspeaks/ep-68-recruiting-our-youth.

Subscribe to Nurah Speaks on Spotify, ApplePodcast, SoundCloud, Stitcher, CastBox or wherever you stream great podcasts.

Feel free to share your comments and insights on this subject.  I am eager to know your thoughts!

Social and Broadcast Media prove effective distractions from our most compelling and proximate issues.  Unless vigilant, we are susceptible to modern ‘infotainment’ and its role in diverting us from matters of utmost importance to affairs having little to no impact in our daily lives.

Consider, while many have their attention on the Jussie Smollett case, the President Trumps tweets, keeping up with the Kardashians, rapper beefs, March Madness, the Mueller Report, racist yearbook photos or anything else trending on twitter, the following remains true:

•Black infants have the highest mortality rates with 10.8 deaths for every 1000 births.

•Pregnancy-related deaths for black women is 3 to 4 times high than those of white women, regardless of education or income status.

•Black men are six times likely to be incarcerated as white men and face sentencing disparities receiving terms 19% longer than those of similarly situated white men.

•Black girls are missing and news coverage is only 20% of reported stories despite being 33% of total missing children cases.

•Black college students are about as likely to get hired as whites who have dropped out of high school.

•White men with a criminal record are more likely to get an interview than Black men with no criminal record.

•Black students make up less than 16% of student population but represent 23% of school suspensions.

•Faces of five-year-old black boys put whites in a more threat-conscious state of mind which impacts teacher perception and management in kindergarten classrooms.

•Black Americans represent the majority of gun homicide victims and are 10 times more likely than white Americans to die by gun homicide.
•Blacks lead in unwed births at over 70%.

•65% of Black children are in single parent families.

•Nearly 44% of African American men and 48% of African American women have some form of cardiovascular disease that includes heart disease and stroke.

•Flint still has lead water pipes, and unsafe drinking water but households are still billed for the water they cannot use at some of the highest water rates in the country and the children affected by the lead poisoning have irreversible brain damage

Although being current on national and international events  has its place-let’s not take our eyes off the ball too long regarding these disturbing trends directly impacting our families and communities.

Prolonged distraction of this distressed reality is a hindrance on our ability to make advancements on these and other issues that truly deserve our energy and attention.

Listen to the Nurah Speaks Podcast episode on this issue here: https://soundcloud.com/nurahspeaks/ep-67-diversions-and-distractions.  Subscribe to Nurah Speaks on Spotify, ApplePodcast, SoundCloud, Stitcher, CastBox or wherever you stream great podcasts.

Visit these resources below to learn more:

https://www.cdc.gov/dhdsp/data_statistics/fact_sheets/fs_aa.htm
https://www.bridgemi.com/michigan-environment-watch/flint-trust-lost-and-bottled-water-supplies-are-running-low

https://datacenter.kidscount.org/data/tables/107-children-in-single-parent-families-by#detailed/1/any/false/871,870,573,869,36,868,867,133,38,35/10,11,9,12,1,185,13/432,431

https://ifstudies.org/blog/trends-in-unmarried-childbearing-point-to-a-coming-apart
https://everytownresearch.org/gun-violence-america/

https://psmag.com/social-justice/racism-in-the-kindergarten-classroom

https://www.governing.com/gov-data/education-data/state-high-school-graduation-rates-by-race-ethnicity.html

https://www.naacp.org/fairchancehiring/

https://www.forbes.com/sites/susanadams/2014/06/27/white-high-school-drop-outs-are-as-likely-to-land-jobs-as-black-college-students/#4673188d7b8f

https://www.openinvest.co/blog/statistics-prison-america/

https://www.cdc.gov/reproductivehealth/maternalinfanthealth/pregnancy-relatedmortality.htm

https://www.americashealthrankings.org/explore/health-of-women-and-children/measure/IMR_MCH/population/IMR-Black_MCH/state/ALL
https://www.afro.com/our-black-women-and-girls-have-gone-missing-but-few-seem-to-care/