Jealousy Destroys from Within

I’ve written about jealousy before in my blog but I wanted to expand on that conversation here.    It continues as a problematic issue in our community impacting relationships and potentially transformative outcomes.

Jealousy is one of those social cancers that eats at the fabric of our community and the sanity of the individual bearing the jealousy.  In this article I discuss the five common components of jealousy that I’ve observed in the bearer.

But before we discuss those, let me first define provide definition.

Jealousy is the intense resentment that some one experiences when another acquires something that one wants for himself (or believes that he deserves).

The bearer of jealousy desires for herself that which she observes of others-whether she’s earned it or not.  She resents the object of her jealousy so much that she invests precious time and mental energy in contemplation about the person of whom she is jealous.

***I will interchange the pronouns ‘he’ or ‘she’ in this article in hopes of bringing this conversation home to the reader.  Jealousy is experienced equally in men and women.***

An unfortunate consequences of jealousy is that the bearer oft becomes embittered, even so obsessed with the object of his jealousy that he begins acting on the jealousy.  I outline how that occurs later in the article.

But for now, let’s review the components of jealousy.

Insecurity-Folks who lack confidence and have low self esteem are a problem for themselves and often a problem for others.  Sure, we all experience moments of insecurity but people who are jealous experience insecurity more often than not. They tend to have negative beliefs about themselves and poor self worth which contributes to their negative beliefs and devaluing of others.

Hatred- A jealous person develops hatred for the admiration, success, access and opportunity gained by the object of his jealousy.  When he observes others admiring and cheering this person, it stokes his fire of envy.  When he observes the gains, successes, opportunity and access, it fuels an ill will that is hard for a weak person to keep self contained.

Quite simply, he hates that this person is admired.  He hates that this person has access that he wishes to have himself.  He hates the wins this person has earned.  Their success angers him so much that only the person’s public disgrace and public malign or even physical harm can bring them an ease of mind.

It is not only that he believes he is entitled to the success this person has earned but that the other person should not have it at all.

Assumptions- A jealous person thinks that the object of her jealous is only lucky or has received unfair handouts or personal favors.  She does not acknowledge the merit by which the success was earned.  A jealous person will even assume that the person must have done something dishonest to earn what’s been gained.  These assumptions are usually made because she has not or will not or cannot put in the same efforts to achieve the same results.  This leads to the next component of jealousy.

Disregard-A jealous person totally dismisses the dedication, effort and sacrifice a person employs to be successful.   There are key ingredients to success.  Among those are commitment, sacrifice and consistency.  A person who disregards these essentials is a person who lacks understanding of the process.  This sort of ignorance makes it impossible to appreciate these elements to success and achieve success in one’s own goals.

Because the bearer of jealousy lacks capacity to acknowledge these fundamentals, he does not exercise them in his own activities, nor can he acknowledge it of others.

Campaign-Lastly, the bearer of jealousy who is unable to contain his envy to himself, takes his jealousy on a campaign tour spreading it to as many people who will listen.  It is his goal to discredit the object of his jealousy by spreading lies and his own unfounded assumptions about the source of the success.  He works to create animosity in others for the target of his jealousy by telling obvious and not so obvious lies. And when the envy becomes all consuming, he incites others to intimidate or cause harm to the person (or the person’s property).

This is a common marker of jealousy.  To elevated himself, the bearer tries to knock the other down in the minds of people.  To shine, he tries to dim the other’s light.

Now it cannot go unmentioned that this kind of person is often a person who is close to the other.  He is a friend, a contemporary, a teammate, a business partner or even a close relative.  Watching the other rise, advance and flourish beyond him is challenging for someone with low self esteem. He thinks, ‘Why him and not me?  He isn’t good enough.  I deserve this!”

His relationship and proximity to the other is an advantage in his slanderous campaign.  It is what gives him credibility in spreading his lies and hatred. These kinds of people play on the intellectual and/or emotional vulnerability of others who are also impaired with their own character defects.

Some may think, ‘Well, he must be telling the truth-he knows him so well. He’s been so close to him soooo…”

Still others may be not be so convinced but also not need supporting evidence to join the campaign.  These people simply enjoy the excitement of any good controversy.

The bearer of jealousy may enjoin all of this-the hatred, the assumptions, the disregard and the campaign-yet without so much as showing an inkling to the person of whom they are jealous.  He may appear as the greatest cheerleader all the while masking his contempt and working behind the scenes to sour the opinions of others.  Therefore it is incumbent upon anyone who has experienced personal and professional triumphs to continually take inventory of those closest to her.  She should pay attention to the sudden or gradual shifts in the attitudes and behaviors of those around her including those in the innermost, the outer and still more distant circles.  If discerning, she can identify the source of the disruption.

This is how jealousy destroys from within.  It rots away at the character of the bearer but also destroy relationships and the great potential for progress.  Jealousy makes people act against their own self interests in their efforts to sabotage another.  It is a crippling, blinding disease that we must get a grip on before it destroys us and causes us to act contrary to our own selves.


Listen to the Nurah Speaks Podcast episode on this same issue by clicking the following link :soundcloud.com/nurahspeaks/ep-69jealousy-destroys-from-within


Subscribe to Nurah Speaks on Spotify, ApplePodcasts, SoundCloud, Stitcher, CastBox, RadioPublic or wherever you stream great podcasts.

Be sure to let me know what you think about this article in the comments below!

---