Victors or Victims of Our Own Choices

Be forewarned that this subject is a sensitive one.  This conversation involves Black women and us owning up to our errors, bad judgement and ill informed choices. ​

I proceed with caution- but I proceed nonetheless because for us to change our outcomes we must change the socially accepted norms in our communities.

But although this is a sensitive issue, it is not my intention to turn anyone off by what I share.  Yet I must tell the truth.

Truth resonates.  Truth makes impacts.  And truth can hurt.  But truth can also heal when we allow it.  And as I proceed in this conversation-please know that I am including myself in this. I do not stand on a tall mountain talking down to anyone.  In fact-I have been the recipient of hard truths-and I have let myself feel the sting of truth and the consolation of truth.

And it is truth that we need as the vehicle to winning in life.  But the absence of truth is like us playing the game, not knowing the rules.  We will lose every time.

And here is the truth…

We, black women, are making too many poor choices.

We make poor choices and then blame others for the results of these choices.

We are enabled in our poor decision making and frequently take on a victim role and mentality.

And the fact of the matter is, we are the victims of our own bad decisions and when we have children, they become the casualty of these choices.

I know this may seem harsh and I do not mean to paint us all with the same brush, so if you do not think these statements apply to you…by all means, let them fly.  But if they do apply, please take a moment to reflect and be empowered with the truth.

I will share an example of what I mean.  In my capacity of working with young women, I hear a lot about deadbeat dads and young men who run from the responsibility of fatherhood.  And when I hear this talk, I remind them that their friends and sisters were not being responsible young ladies when they conceived their children.  They were not in stable committed marriages.  More often than not, they were being reckless with a reckless young man which resulted in an unintended pregnancy.  And neither pregnancy nor the birth of a baby automatically transforms a reckless boy into a responsible young man.

I tell my girls that young women must act responsibly and make mature choices or face the consequences of reckless behavior.  This does not absolve a young man from his responsibility of fatherhood.  Yet we must be honest with our young ladies…and inform them of what comes from careless behavior.

We have to talk to them about choices.  And if we as women are so irresponsible as to choose irresponsible men with which to engage in casual relationships-we cannot be shocked when they do not rise to the occasion of fatherhood.

But this is what happens.   Women are naturally frustrated that a man does not act as a responsible father.  While we are saddled with the responsibility of motherhood, he just goes on living his life as if he does not share in this major burden.   

This is where I remind my young women-these young men were not chosen because of their maturity and character.  They were cute.  They were fine.  And they gave attention.  There was no discussion about lifetime goals, commitment, responsibility and seldom ever any talk of birth control and parenthood.  He was cute and she was ready.  And she made a choice.
And nine months later, he is still cute but no more responsible than when she chose him.

I make clear that the one thing we have full control of is our choices.

I find very often that we have to be reminded that we and we alone are culpable for the choices that we make.  This is not me victim blaming.  This is me reminding us that we have power - and that it is our right to exercise our power to create the outcomes we desire.

And this is why I make it a priority to inform our young women that each and every action has a corresponding reaction.  Good decisions create good outcomes.  Bad decisions create poor outcomes.  And I give examples of each.
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So instead of women laying blame for the struggle of our single parenthood at the foot of men, we must know that the first fault lies with the choices we have made.

And if we do not take moments to have these serious discussions with our young ladies - we will continue to see generational struggle in ways that are easily preventable.

This article is just part-one of an ongoing discussion that I think is important for us to have in the Black community.  I hope you will return for part 2.  Feel free to let me know what you think by leaving a comment below.  I look forward to your feedback.

Be sure to check out the accompanying Nurah Speaks Podcast episode discussing this topic by clicking this link: soundcloud.com/nurahspeaks/ep-74black-women-hard-truths-part-1

Subscribe to Nurah Speaks on Spotify, ApplePodcasts, SoundCloud, Stitcher, CastBox, RadioPublic or wherever you stream great podcasts.

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